Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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