Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
