Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
only if we run a train.
done.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
