Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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