So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
