I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
