I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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