i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
