maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
