my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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