How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
