Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The best revenge is premature balding
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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