I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
