I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we're so committed to being not committed
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
