I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
