you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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