I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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