The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
