I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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