i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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