I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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