and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
