You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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