I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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