I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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