He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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