dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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