i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
