Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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