did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
