I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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