Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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