I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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