im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
