dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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