I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
