My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I understand Curling. That high.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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