In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
