So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
