My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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