We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
