bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
