When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
