Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
