I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
