I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
