woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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