how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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