Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
