He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
